A Chosen Generation

TWO COWS – A Bovine Guide to Political, Corporate, and Societal Theory
Here are some philosophical insights based on COWS, with no hoof left un-stepped-on…

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”. Or if you already have two cows, the government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

REPUBLICANS: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

DEMOCRATS: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

LIBERTARIANS: You have two cows. You let them do what they want. You tell everyone else to go away. What you do with *your* cows is no one else’s business!

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a small portion of cow.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.